26 January, 2010

new taboo?

lonely.jpg "Forget sex or politics or religion, loneliness is the subject that clears out a room." (Doug Coupland)

I'm a busy person. I seem to constantly have guests, eat and drink out, dance - all in addition to my normal work life.

In addition to all of this activity, I've also managed to 'see' a couple of guys regularly - yes, a couple. I'll name the first 'The Mechanic' due to his line of work - and the second, 'Mr Marketing'.

The Mechanic is outwardly heterosexual to the world. No-one in his life knows that he sexes men, so we see one another only in one of our places - never outside. The interaction is based on sexual need and supposedly nothing more. I've been 'seeing' him, however, for nearly a year... he's a nice guy, but for obvious reasons, it's going nowhere.

Mr Marketing is openly gay, has been single for about a year after having been in a committed relationship for nearly six. He is not interested in committing to another relationship at this stage so our interactions are just fun. Part of the reason I started sexing Mr Marketing was to ensure I didn't fall for The Mechanic. Look, it seemed logical at the time.


For nearly 10 days, I haven't had contact with either of them. I felt the need for some time to myself. Both situations were feeling transactional; I was feeling sad after I'd seen either of them. Yes, I am 'validated' when I see them. Yes, it makes me feel attractive for the time that I'm with them. But for how long?

I'm now consumed with the very emotion I've attempted to avoid through my interactions with these guys. But I'm not going to call either of them.

I'm going to try to validate from within for a change.

8 comments:

Dale said...

A good plan Ziggy. Now get 'Lovely' tattooed straight across your forehead and see if things don't change! :-)

ziggystardust73 said...

oh Dale, where have you been all my life? Or rather, where have I been all of yours? :-)

john said...

Good choice, validating from within.
And I love the Doug Coupland quote!!

ziggystardust73 said...

We'll see how it goes, John! Thanks for saying hi - yeah, the Coupland quote is great, right? :)

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Dr. kold_kadavr_flatliner, MD, the sub/dude said...

Don’t wanna fit-in, don’t care to fit-in, I just don't fit-in …I’d muuuch rather fit-in to Seventh-Heaven. Howzbout you? I personally wouldn't be tooo worried about what the whorizontal world thot about me, dear; I'd be much! more! concerned about what Jesus shall say at our General Judgment. You maaay not like me now, yet, I’m not out to please you. Lemme gonna wanna tella youse Who (grrr - New Joisey accent):

Not sure if we're on the same page if you saw what I saw. Greetings, earthling. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s Big-Bang’s gonna be like for us if ya believe: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal-Upstairs for the most extra-blatant, guhroovaliciousness (-Austin POW!ers), pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Yummy, Reality-Firepower-Addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, robust-N-risqué, eternal-real-McCoy-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-rrrock’nNsmmmokin’-hot-deal: PLEASE KEEP HANDS/FEET INSIDE THE WIDE UNTIL WE MADE A CIRCUMFERENCE OF NEVER-ENDING-POSSIBILITIES. Yes, we’ll have a high-flying, immense-impression to be an outstanding-red-marker! For God, anything and everything and more! is possible!! Puh-leeeze meet me Upstairs. Do that for us. Cya soon, girl…