26 January, 2010

new taboo?

lonely.jpg "Forget sex or politics or religion, loneliness is the subject that clears out a room." (Doug Coupland)

I'm a busy person. I seem to constantly have guests, eat and drink out, dance - all in addition to my normal work life.

In addition to all of this activity, I've also managed to 'see' a couple of guys regularly - yes, a couple. I'll name the first 'The Mechanic' due to his line of work - and the second, 'Mr Marketing'.

The Mechanic is outwardly heterosexual to the world. No-one in his life knows that he sexes men, so we see one another only in one of our places - never outside. The interaction is based on sexual need and supposedly nothing more. I've been 'seeing' him, however, for nearly a year... he's a nice guy, but for obvious reasons, it's going nowhere.

Mr Marketing is openly gay, has been single for about a year after having been in a committed relationship for nearly six. He is not interested in committing to another relationship at this stage so our interactions are just fun. Part of the reason I started sexing Mr Marketing was to ensure I didn't fall for The Mechanic. Look, it seemed logical at the time.

For nearly 10 days, I haven't had contact with either of them. I felt the need for some time to myself. Both situations were feeling transactional; I was feeling sad after I'd seen either of them. Yes, I am 'validated' when I see them. Yes, it makes me feel attractive for the time that I'm with them. But for how long?

I'm now consumed with the very emotion I've attempted to avoid through my interactions with these guys. But I'm not going to call either of them.

I'm going to try to validate from within for a change.