Long distance

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. During that time, I've completed my first year of my Masters, started a new role at work and feel I know Melbourne a whole lot better.

But some things never change. Somehow I've managed to report to yet another boss that is proving increasingly challenging. I'm now sure it has something to do with me. I read an article recently about self-driven learners who contribute innovative thought but find it difficult to recognise authority and aren't that pleasant to manage. That resonated on a number of levels with me!

Anyway, I'm sure I'll have more to write about shortly but for now I'm going to read the latest Margaret Atwood novel I've had sitting on my bedside table for about 6 months. It's been neglected due to the amount of papers I've had to read about systems psychodynamics. Hoorah for summer break!

new taboo?

"Forget sex or politics or religion, loneliness is the subject that clears out a room." (Doug Coupland)

I'm a busy person. I seem to constantly have guests, eat and drink out, dance - all in addition to my normal work life.

In addition to all of this activity, I've also managed to 'see' a couple of guys regularly - yes, a couple. I'll name the first 'The Mechanic' due to his line of work - and the second, 'Mr Marketing'.

The Mechanic is outwardly heterosexual to the world. No-one in his life knows that he sexes men, so we see one another only in one of our places - never outside. The interaction is based on sexual need and supposedly nothing more. I've been 'seeing' him, however, for nearly a year... he's a nice guy, but for obvious reasons, it's going nowhere.

Mr Marketing is openly gay, has been single for about a year after having been in a committed relationship for nearly six. He is not interested in committing to another relationship at this stage so our interactions are just fun. Part of the reason I started sexing Mr Marketing was to ensure I didn't fall for The Mechanic. Look, it seemed logical at the time.


For nearly 10 days, I haven't had contact with either of them. I felt the need for some time to myself. Both situations were feeling transactional; I was feeling sad after I'd seen either of them. Yes, I am 'validated' when I see them. Yes, it makes me feel attractive for the time that I'm with them. But for how long?

I'm now consumed with the very emotion I've attempted to avoid through my interactions with these guys. But I'm not going to call either of them.

I'm going to try to validate from within for a change.

X-Angst

So, I've been seeing my ex again for the last couple of months. And it's gone exactly the same way as last time, only this time sooner.

The minute we started to get close, he retreats. Major commitment/abandonment issues.

Lesson?

There was probably a very good reason he was an ex.

We'll go driving....

(formerly) F/BF (Flatmate/Best Friend) and I are heading off on our Road Trip tomorrow. I've packed warm clothes, bad snacks, good books and created iPod playlists that hopefully reflect our driving moods.

We're heading down the Great Ocean Road for a few nights in a beachfront apartment (with an open fire cos it's winter), then off to the Coonawarra for some wine tasting before heading to the Grampians where we'll be staying in a mountain view 'treehouse'. Yay!

Boyfriend of the Week

Just watched Be Kind Rewind for the second time. I love that movie. But I love Mos Def more.

Gay for Pay?

I'm interested in the whole sexual continuum theory at the moment.

As a man who defines him self in a whole host of ways; being gay has always for me been just one element of who I am.

Last night, I had some friends over for dinner, including Ms Extrovert and a woman she has just started 'seeing'. The woman (let's call her Ms Dom) is 34 and has always been with men, but she met Ms Extrovert and is very attracted to her.

Ms Dom says at the moment that she feels that she is only attracted to men OR Ms Extrovert; but I wonder how malleable the continuum is. Once she's had this experience, if it doesn't work out, will she be more open to further experience with women?

In my mind, it doesn't matter anyway. All these things: gay, straight, bi - are just labels. I guess what does matter is how that label defines one's own internal voice, and subsequently how that allows one to interact with others.

The Dating Game

So, I've been back in the race again recently.

See, last year I was seeing someone for about 4 months - but it was a very intense 4 months.

Basically, I was working from home (complete nightmare for someone who is a natural extrovert and therefore draws energy by being with others); was new to Melbourne, had very few friends (awwww) and met this guy whom I fell completely 100% head over heels for.

Of course, I completely consumed him.  Between myself feeling needy and uncertain and him feeling terrified (this dude had major - with a capital M - commitment issues) the relationship self combusted.   

The thing is, it was only the second time in my life that I'd been in love.  The first time was with my long term boyfriend of just over 3 years.

So it has taken me a fair while to recover.  My return to the dating game has only recently commenced.  Thing is, I'd forgotten how tricky it can be.  The rules around where to meet, what to do, how much to show, what to give, etc are very confusing.

My date this week was with a really lovely guy - nice looking, caring, smart and funny - problem is, there just wasn't that certain something.  Call it chemistry, call it 'click', call it whatever you want.  It was missing.

He, however, did feel chemistry, the 'click' or whatever you want to call it.  Urgh.

Perhaps I should just stay at home and play on the internet.

Hot Diggy Action

A friend of mine is visiting from Perth at the moment - she's over here for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, in which her partner is performing in a musical comedy.

Having been invited to see his show, I felt somewhat apprehensive. What if I didn't like it? What if I had to feign laughter and she realised my inauthenticity? What if the jokes fell so flat I started to sweat profusely and drowned her?

I needn't have worried: the show was superb. And no, I'm not just saying that because my mate might read this. (ok, maybe just a little). No - I was literally belly laughing. A musical comedy ensemble piece that has Diggy Bones at it's centre: a blinged up soul funk gangster with a celebrity complex. Sound familiar? The best thing of all is that I believe (fear) that Diggy is just going to get bigger and bigger.

Seriously, if you're in Melbourne - check it out - the show is in its final week.

I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Went to see 2001: A Space Odyssey yesterday after many years - it was on at my local cinema in 70mm - what a treat!

I'd forgotten just how shockingly brilliant this scene is (it gets going about a minute in)

Energy Saver Bulb

You'd think that with age (!) it would get easier/simpler. But so far, that hasn't seemed to be the case.

It's been a while since I've posted - mostly due to the fact that I've been settling in to my new city (Melbourne) and attempting to make connections/work my new job/sort out my apartment.

Recently I've met someone; although my definition of the situation is that we are 'sleeping together'. His definition is somewhat different - we established that last night.

The problem being: when there is such a disconnect, I don't seem to action the obvious quickly enough. I feel way too concerned for the other individual's feelings - and in the process, disregard my own.

He's a lovely guy - warm, friendly, nice (a little too nice?) but there isn't that 'spark'. How many more 'dates' before I switch off the light?